Alisa’s story – a cancer survivor who wants a family

In 2008, a week away from our 1st wedding anniversary I was thrown into a severe
round of chemo, radiation and brachytherapy. I was diagnosed with a very aggressive
and severe form of lung cancer that on very rare occasions attacks the cervix, which is what happened to me. I was given a 20% chance of survival regardless of my treatment, so it all looked pretty bleak.


<Image from: Journeying Beyond Cancer >

I managed to get through it with the help of family, friends and my wonderful
husband who made me laugh every day, I’m not sure how, but he did.

I don’t remember much of that time now, I did a lot of sleeping, crying and trying to
eat. I was determined not to lose too much weight as I’m quite slender to start with. I
guess you can say I was quite determined to stay alive. I still have everything intact,
but am unable to conceive or carry, which makes it very upsetting. For some reason
the choice to have my own family has been taken away from me. I am now 4 years in
remission. Right now we are looking very good. So I just want to get on with my life and that means following my dreams for a family.

Troy and I have wanted a family for years, even before we got married, but I wanted to be married first as I thought it was the right thing to do. We have nieces and nephews and so many friends with kids, and we just know that having a child will bring us so much joy.


So… after many years we are up to the surrogacy stage. Yes, it’s taken that long to get through the egg donation. We had a few offers from egg donations, but for one reason or another, they were not medically fit or time passed and we didn’t hear from them again and other ladies were helping someone else. And we’ve had a lot of stumbles too.

We eventually found a lovely lady and have 5 embryo’s freezing awaiting a surrogate.
The six month sterilization period will be up at the start of July, 2013.

We have been very fortunate to have had 3 surrogates offer, but for one reason or
another it hasn’t worked out. We are hopeful that someone out there will be able to
help.

At times we have been quite upset with the whole process to be honest and feel very lost and alone. It’s been extremely expensive so far, from taking intended egg donors and surrogates to the Dr’s – only to find that the lovely people who have offered are not “medically fit” to go ahead with, and the expense of traveling on many occasions. There’s no Medicare for any procedures so every time we start this process with someone new I am out of pocket again. And again. And Again. Still, we can’t let go of our dreams. We’ve come so far to get to this stage that we can’t just give up now.

We have also had a lot of trouble with the clinic we have been going to. Wanting
us to do things a certain way which doesn’t fit our situation, well to be frank, wouldn’t fit anyone’s situation. I won’t go into details. It’s caused a great deal of stress, but fortunately not on our relationship. The last couple of years have definitely brought us closer together.

We still have our eyes on the prize so to speak and know that we will eventually get
there. We are quite patient and know that an angel surrogate will help soon enough.

We have sooo much love to give it’s not funny. I think our cat is going slightly crazy from all the cuddles and attention it gets! Troy loves sports and I just know he can’t wait to have a child to go surfing or play football with, and I love baking and can’t wait to make special treats and birthday cakes for my much longed for child. We’ve got a big backyard planned for a pool and cubby house, and a lovely house we are slowly renovating and can’t wait for the day that we bring our newest member of the family home to share it with.

Our parents on the other hand are on another level!! They are already buying things! I’ve told them to slow down, but they are excited that we have the embryos and it’s only a matter of time and determination and we will find a surrogate.

Alisa

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If you would like to help Alisa as a surrogate, please get in contact with us via the Facebook page (linked at right). You can also support us by downloading the petition and collecting signatures – to help cancer survivors gain equal access to Medicare to have a family.

Trewy’s Surrogacy Story

In response to our media story on Channel 9 News Tuesday, 9th April, we received words of encouragement from Trewy and his wife, an ordinary couple facing the difficulty of a surrogacy without Medicare. Trewy decided to share his story for us below.

“After, marrying my wife Rach in October 2010. We discovered Rach has fertility problems.

Fertility problems in Australia are not rare with 1 in 8 couples needing treatment. However, Rach has a more rare and costly medical condition which prevents her body from producing eggs. No eggs, is a not a big problem. If you have a family friend you could be lucky. If you wait for donor eggs in Australia, it will take about 5 to 6 years according to the doctors.

[Moderator note – http://www.eggdonationaustralia.com.au is an excellent not for profit site dedicated to egg donation in Australia and recipients can find donors within a few months, so for those needing an egg donor, don’t lose hope and don’t believe the doctors!]

Rach and I have been lucky to find an egg donor and harvest three eggs at a cost of $12500. This was a straight out-of-pocket expense and not covered by our private health or anything. It’s worth noting that in Australia, no money is allowed to be paid to an egg donor.

I thought having three 3day old embryos (3 potential children), our hurdles and dramas would be over. Sadly, it was just the beginning. After months of drugs and money being used to try and get Rach ready to have an embryo transferred,  we have only managed to kill one of our potential children, kill my equity in our beautiful home, beat up our credit card and become ever so saddened by our grim outcome.

See the IVF train is a slow and expensive train. Suddenly, your life goes from a newly married couple to counting down days till the next cycle of drugs, and loads and loads of tests with more and more delays.

Financial stress plus emotional stress can start to beat you up. I would be lying if I said “I have never considered divorce’’. I would even give up my house, even body swap with a terminally ill person, if only I could have a son who could catch a ball with me. A son to share his first beer. Sadly, if I bear no children, then there will be no grandchildren either. All I can look forward to is a lonely retirement.

This is where you can help. IVF is a kind of high risk investment. Except IVF investment is a rule breaker as it is investment with emotion. I don’t want to be father of the year, just a father.

This year we are switching from IVF to surrogacy. Sadly, life makes Rach a poor microwave. Rach has found a surrogate. A person, who will not receive money for their priceless gift, to us. Sadly, the costs of surrogacy are about $60000 to $80000. This is lawyer costs to create the legal surrogacy agreement (2 lawyers $15000 each). The costs of counseling, insurance to be able to obtain a parentage order under the surrogacy agreement. Then all the medical costs that are not covered by Medicare or our useless private health which follows the laws set out by Medicare.

Morally, I feel obliged to continue with this course of action, because those two embryos are technically alive and just frozen. Even after this process we may not have a child. I’m sure the cost would double if we are lucky to use both embryos.

I have begged the banks for a low interest loan, and even contacted my superannuation to help cover the $60000 for surrogacy. I have not been very successful. So, goodbye dream home and boat. Sadly, the dream of having a family is killing my dream of financial security. However, you never know…..I could win lotto.

How can two tax paying government employees with private health cover and a small mortgage be forgotten? We’ve never received a government handout, and we’ve paid all of our HECs debts. We have been described by our friends as the ‘unlucky couple in the lucky country’.

How can you help? I have no idea. Bring attention to this situation, government assistance, I remember former Prime Minister Kevin Rudd, giving a speech containing the word family. Family first and family this. Well, after I’ve written letters to Labor, Liberal governments both state and Federal, I’m sad to say that no replies have been received.

If I do make it through this nightmare. I really wanted to take the egg donor, surrogate and wife –  hopefully with a child or children-  on a holiday. To thank them for their commitment to my family. However, with the cost of things coming, I may have to wait a while. A long while. Perhaps a lifetime.

Thank you for taking the time to read my story.

Trewy”

Of course, we know how you can help people like Trewy. Sign our petition for change, and send an email to Tanya Plibersek and other members for parliament. Choose from any of our ready- made email formats from the Resources tab.

Together, we can make this change, and help ordinary working couples become families. As you know we are starting to receive replies and are receiving media attention, so as a group we are making an impact – where before we were solo travelers, losing hope on our own voyages. Too many have been silent for too long!